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Dec. 13th, 2016

I don’t know what to do about the spider egg cocoon at the corner of your bathroom door. I wiped the army of dead ants off the window ledge with toilet tissue, and then I cleaned the bowl. You make me pick my hair off the tiles. Cleaning does not soothe me, I only clean angry. I tell you I never learned laundry the way women used to do laundry, stretched stiff with carefully mixed starch water, lavender-scented sachets tucked in pine drawers. As you know, I burn my thousand peso bras accidentally with too-hot irons. Sometimes when you kiss me my hands grip your perfectly ironed shirts like I feel you’re going to run away. This is it. This is me. If this ends there will be nothing left of me. I can give you all the metaphors -- the plague town, the ruined house, the overgrown forest path. I tell you all the fairytales don’t prepare you for how mundane life can be, how easy it is to segue from one to two to this to nothing. It’s easy to be nothing when you’re old. I’d feed myself to Baba Yaga for some sort of feeling. I don’t know what to do about our afternoons, when you sleep and I lie awake listening to the outside world, to the rumble of the jeepneys outside, to the man who sings that same song every Sunday like it matters that he sings the same song every Sunday and look I sing the same songs to you too.

long time

work is going to be hell this week.

i just know it.

hello world

are you still there?

let's be friends again.

december always makes me feel strange

like, everyone is supposed to be happy and here i am annoyed by the freaking lights everywhere and the inescapable consumerism and the christmas lights piss me off. i hate christmas shopping, then i end up panicking and rushing it and of course, i get even more pissed off because i'm right there with everyone the week before christmas panic buying. but on the other hand, there are days i can't help but smile at all the twinkling lights, the smell of coffee and cinnamon and you see people look really happy, overspend and bring out their credit cards.

sometimes all i want to do is lie down under the christmas tree again and be drunk and laughing and you know the view right? you're surrounded by gifts that you can't help but pick up and shake. then you look up and it's amazing.

there's this little tunnel to the star at the top, like the path to happiness. you see branches and bump your head against he rough pine trunk. it's all lights and reflections off silver blue green gold bouncing off the balls and the little things that in later years will break and you'll find them at the bottom of the box looking quite sad. when we were younger the trees were always real, cut down from the yard and sometimes they would be a little too small, sometimes so tall their tops would press against the ceiling. the needles itched when they brushed across your face. my sisters and i would throw these little plastic like decorations so that they'd stick to the branches. fun times (plus the gifts! i remember the big barbie house the best. that was a huge pink gift for all three of us with pink windows and a balconaje.)

the trees would resemble overdressed, too tall gentlemen covered in their girlfriend's boas because their girlfriends are hunting up champagne in the kitchen for their little private after party. i feel like that about christmas sometimes. like you're a little out of place, maybe you've outgrown it a bit or the party's over and you're a tad under dressed. or maybe it's just the holiday blues.


hello, journal.
it's been ages.

my life is

beautiful lies
lying in bed while the sun streaks through the blinds and i think, shit four more hours and work again.

it's been ages. i'm going to make pancakes and eggs for breakfast-lunch-dinner at 3 am.



in my dream last night i was on a ship and there was a couple making it starboard side
i was pissed cause i kept trying to leave the boat and my father wouldn't let me as we floated down the river
there was a sunset that just died and died and died.

sudden cut to my mother and i standing at the concession stand in the old empire movie theater. she was trying to get them to microwave the popcorn bags she bought with her. i was drinking can after can of sarsi.

i woke up in the strangest of moods, let me tell you.


i have a poem or a story

stuck in my head so i might go for a walk to shake it loose

just so you know this journal isn't dead, only dormant. and for different things.


too much?

hmm i've been here in boracay for five (yup, count em) days. i'll be here till the 31st.

i have a room to myself, tv, music, food, wifi and im working most of the day. it's great cause my job lets me go anywhere--i just need internetz. (for pron, kidding).

i got drunk yesterday with grace  and chatted up this dude from australia. he was harmless, les, dont worry. i loves you. it was cool cause the bar had a pool, or the pool had a bar. two of my favorite things: swimming and drinking.

although one should take precautions when swimming and drinking.

 i also slept really long and woke up at 4 am to watch the rain fall down and move all the clothes hung outside in a panic. then i sat on a chair and tried to wait for sunrise, but i got sleepy. i worked most of the morning, saw jasmine off (her flight was at 130, cause she got an earlier flight) i wish asia or jasmine were here with me. anyone really. asia, mostly, but ATENEO is in the FINALS, so there :p GO ASIA. haha. GO ATENEO (sorry UP, but you do know that sports isn't your strong suit).

the point of this post is: i'm a little bored. haha. so if you guys (especially the borderline alcoholics like me) happen to be in boracay from today till the 31st send me smoke signals haha, text me call me, show up at my resort. please. ang loser talaga. hindi kasi bagay sa akin na mag-isa.
I love the human race's tendency to be so stupid. I mean honestly...check this link out: Penguin Book Tops Most Challenged List

I understand the need for censorship. Remember all those Bugs Bunny cartoons that they banned because of racist overtones? They even banned some Tom and Jerry ones if I recall correctly. I understand the need of a government to regulate what its people spew out on a regular basis and the need for people to fight back. The age old argument of freedom of speech versus censorship.

Think the People Vs Larry Flint, or that trial where they put a guy away because he kept giving Nazi speeches to young, misguided teenagers and incited them to kill and rape. I understand the need to regulate content, especially on the Internet, where people think anonymity is equal to getting away with bullshit. Hello, child porn enthusiasts. Sick, sick, sick. You freaking sick people. There are two sides to every point of view, but you can never justify child porn to me and don't you dare use the first amendment to justify your perversions. But I digress.

Now here's the thing that pisses me off (aside from child p0rn which makes me disgusted and sad). If you're a parent, you have all the right to keep your precious little baby from reading books with what you think is inappropriate content.

It doesn't take away the fact that Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is an accurate writing of that time. Racism? Of course it's racist. People were racist during that time. People hung other people from trees because they had different colored skin. People are still racist. Ask Filipinos working overseas or living in other countries.

Books like that are written to remind us of what people went through during that time. You do not seek to ban it from the public library simply because you don't agree with it. Literature, social revolutions and history are intertwined. Just because you think it's inappropriate, doesn't mean other people will. Or the other way around.

Ban a book about a penguin with two fathers? Oh wait, challenge it? Some little boy or girl out there will read that and think that someone understands him or her. That's probably what the author wrote it for. You can't pretend that it doesn't exist. If you don't accept homosexuality, then don't let your kids read it. Don't deprive other people of great literature. Think of what people can learn from books. I learned a great many things from what I read--especially things I don't agree with. It comes with reading, knowing how to accept, what to accept.

If you're concerned about what your child is reading, be interested in what she or he is reading. Know what they like to read. Use it to educate them instead of banning it. Regulate the content coming into your home. My mother banned me from reading several books when I was younger, or simply edited out (by stapling pages together) parts of the books she didn't want me to read. What books were these? Sweet Valley High (I was only allowed to read it in high school), several Anne Rice books and some I can't remember. Besides, I always found a way to read the ones I was dying to read. Yes, school and public libraries are keepers of the books. Whatever books they are. Ban them because they are badly written, or promote terrible things. Not Huckleberry Finn. Not Beloved. Not I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. These books speak truth and to deprive people from truth deprives people of the purpose of literature in the first place.

Think about that.


This weekend

was CRAZY! I shall divide it into three parts. forgive the strangeness in punctuation. My shoulder's acting up and I can't really sit still long enough to edit.


Glanna gave birth yesterday. We were joking about it over dinner at Orry's place in La Union that on the day that we weren't in Baguio, Glanna would give birth. So we ended up drunk calling Rohan at 1 or so in the morning screaming incoherent things at him. Other things should not be mentioned in polite company. Basta, ang kulit. Poor Rohan. Na-bombard ng mga lasingero ng di oras!

Rosie: "Oh wow, Ryu Grey!"
Then she passed out. Hilariousness.

Welcome to the Planet, Mr. RYU GREY! We went by the hospital today to visit Rohan and Glanna and their new baby Ryu. He's hairy. And very very warm. ♥ ♥ &hearts:


Bus fare 80 php
Food chip in 109 php
2 packs yosi 80 php
chips and other unnecessary food (like stuffins) 75 php

the expression on carlo's face when rohan texted that glanna gave birth PRICELESS

and other great moments

"GLLLAAANNNA GGGAAAAAVVVEE BIIIIIRRRTTH!!!" (followed by incoherent drunk screaming)
Carlo's winner line of the night
The giant shotglass that got everyone wasted
Aliah and Tina climbing up cabinets
The beautiful beautiful house by the river, complete with suha, makopa, ilang-ilang, manggo and tree climbing tree. The bamboo floor and Rosie's hammock. The fish pond and the little make out bridge like a movie set.

Toni Gonzaga: O, hindi kita pwedeng mahalin.
Sam Milby: Bakit? May tinatago ka bang sikreto? May boyfriend ka na? Kasal ka na?
Toni Gonzaga: Hindi. Tilapia talaga ako. (Jumps off beautiful bridge wrapped in flowers and vines into river. In the background, ducklings waddle by. Rosie is following them).

I swear that was funny when we were drunk. And how the house was SO HUGE but we were all huddled on the steps getting louder and louder with every shot.

HILOG! (Don't ask)
Caviar and strawberries
"Where's my phone?" - Les
The mutant cockroach the size of a big toe that I Murdered
Taking a bath in the rain/river bathing
Conserving water
Rosie chasing after ducklings making clucking sounds
Playing god with little tilapias. Terrorizing fish is fun.
"The house moved me" -Carlo
"Oh my God, you're my sis?" - Orry
"I'm trying to help him with his problem and he turns and WALKS AWAY/!!" - RM

And many more psycho moments brought to you by Red Horse Beer and GSM Blue.


I love how the Black Sabbath song plays the whole time, but subtly. It's incorporated into the score and soundtrack but not a word is heard. Hrr. Except that the way he flies is ghey. Ghey, i tell you.


this is what we were talking about during dinner last thursday (i watched friday, but left to go to la union before i could blog it. haller, i has a life to live)

My sister mentioned that she was watching Iron Man and I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I have work!

Followed by:

Me: Tomorrow I will be lined up before SM even opens. I will be clutching a slurpee and a giant bag of popcorn.
Ticket Lady: Ma'am, hindi pa po tapos, ung next showing po--
Me: (ala Crocker in Fairy Godparents) IRONMAN!
Ticket Lady: Eh, maam, isang oras pa--
Me: Ironman! *Rabid drooling*

The plot plots were predictable, especially if you know the Iron Man comic. BUT WHO GIVES A FLYING BANANA! I love how Robert Downey Jr. was so perfect for this role. Gwyneth Paltrow's legs are incredible (and so were her shoes). aahh, the shoes.

Best Line: "Yes, and I also take out the trash." ^^ A very good superhero movie that doesn't disappoint (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer), doesn't delve into super stupid cheesiness (Ghostrider). It's as good as the Spider-Man series (without the emo-drama of the second or third) and Batman Begins (without the liberal dosage of angst and Dark Knightness). Well done! IAMIRONMAN!!! (But the way he flies is ghey).


guerilla girl zero

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