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december always makes me feel strange

like, everyone is supposed to be happy and here i am annoyed by the freaking lights everywhere and the inescapable consumerism and the christmas lights piss me off. i hate christmas shopping, then i end up panicking and rushing it and of course, i get even more pissed off because i'm right there with everyone the week before christmas panic buying. but on the other hand, there are days i can't help but smile at all the twinkling lights, the smell of coffee and cinnamon and you see people look really happy, overspend and bring out their credit cards.

sometimes all i want to do is lie down under the christmas tree again and be drunk and laughing and you know the view right? you're surrounded by gifts that you can't help but pick up and shake. then you look up and it's amazing.

there's this little tunnel to the star at the top, like the path to happiness. you see branches and bump your head against he rough pine trunk. it's all lights and reflections off silver blue green gold bouncing off the balls and the little things that in later years will break and you'll find them at the bottom of the box looking quite sad. when we were younger the trees were always real, cut down from the yard and sometimes they would be a little too small, sometimes so tall their tops would press against the ceiling. the needles itched when they brushed across your face. my sisters and i would throw these little plastic like decorations so that they'd stick to the branches. fun times (plus the gifts! i remember the big barbie house the best. that was a huge pink gift for all three of us with pink windows and a balconaje.)

the trees would resemble overdressed, too tall gentlemen covered in their girlfriend's boas because their girlfriends are hunting up champagne in the kitchen for their little private after party. i feel like that about christmas sometimes. like you're a little out of place, maybe you've outgrown it a bit or the party's over and you're a tad under dressed. or maybe it's just the holiday blues.